The pack was outside until 11:30 last night. Someone finally poked their head out and asked them to keep it down, but it only took a few minutes for them to forget. They are all 40 year olds, too busy drinking and fucking around to make a life that is worth living. And they don't even realize what they are missing.

Yesterday was a definite wake up call. I know what I have to do, and there is not the option of not doing it. I still can't understand why I am making an E though.

Ok, only 2 and 1/2 last night, and I had a nice conversation with him, even if he was still kind of distant. At least he said 'i love u'.
Can I possibly once again blow this chance to make it right? Of course, I can blow anything. ;)
Starting to feel guilty about how little I speak to my sister, well, both of my sisters actually.

My Outline

What ails me.
I am unproductive.
I am quick to anger.
I am disillusioned with my goals.
I grind my teeth.
I hate the way I look.
I do not have good balance.
I am not quick-witted.
I feel intimidated by complete strangers.
I do not draw or write enough.
I am undermotivated.

The effects.
I feel worthless.
I am irritable most of the time.
I am anxious most of the time.
I get unnecessary stress headaches.
I have little trust in myself.
I seem awkward.
I have fewer friends than I wish to have.
I have to concentrate to relax. (an interesting oxymoron)
I am an addict.
I am constantly worried about losing the friends that I do have.
Very rarely (which is still too much) I hurt myself.
I am afraid of being alone in the world.
I feel shame on a regular basis.

The source.
My audience is myself, my boss, my four male friends, my parents, my sisters, my cousin, my son, and my ex-husband, and my co-workers. I can't point to these people and say that they are the source of what ails me. I am too aware that I am the primary suffocator of my own nature.

My role.
I seek approval unrelentingly.
I undermine my actions with self-manipulation and self-delusion.
I fantasize rather than accomplish.
I procrastinate.
I am always tense.
I am impatient.
I have little self-control.

My desires.
To be truthful.
To be thoughtful.
To be always kind, no matter the aggravation.
To be patient.
To be tenacious.
To be comfortable with my art and writing styles.
To be ready for what is around the corner.
To be rich.
To be loved.

funny thing is that I never considered any of this to be a problem until I actually tried to be successful at something. I knew I had problems but I never realized that they could actually control the essence of my existence.

My options.
Stop culling approval and start earning it.
Stop demanding respect from everyone and start to respect myself.
Stop expecting to be understood by everyone.
Stop expecting everyone to be what I want them to be.
Start writing, drawing; letting my emotions loose where it is safe and acceptable to do so.
Start accepting responsibility.
Just do what I have to do.

a new feeling of freedom like i have never known before. I still had three last night, but it was only three, compared to six or seven every day last week.
I am fighting the urge to be complacent again, but complacency would ruin anything it found in its path.

BPD, PTSD, APD, SAD, MDD - thanks mom and dad. No really, my parents are to blame; this is not just an unwillingness to accept one's faults, I was not just born with several major personality disorders, they were created from a consistently stressful and unhealthy environment.

This is a fresh reality for me, a coming home of destroyed expectations, lost loves and non-existant self respect.